The internet doesn't have much room for nuance.

That is not a secret. In fact, it is something that gets said a million times a day online. No matter how much time and effort we put into making sure we are having various conversations from a mature and nuanced position, the nature of the internet is that our engagement is limited to a number of thoughts tossed back and forth at one another. Which sounds like a conversation... but let's be honest: that isn't what the internet makes space for. There is no dialogue. No conversating. No real empathy or intimacy.

And while I think there is plenty of value in online discourse, it comes with a level of guaranteed distance that, for many of us, we just can't afford the kind of empathy for people that we have in the real world. We know that, at the end of the day, people who approach us with ignorant thinking are not engaging with us from relationship. And so there is very little incentive for them to grow. Which in turn means we see very little value in investing the emotional labor required to help them grow.

Which is fair.

But I think that sometimes the internet conditions us to forget that there are real people on the other side of every piece of engagement, Real people who impact the world we live in. And no, this is not about to be an essay asking you not to be mean to trolls. Cause y'all know I love to collect tears. That's not what we are talking about. But I do want us to think about whether we have created space for people to grow and reform.

My close circle of friends are some of the most idealistic leftists you will ever meet. Our every day chats are filled with conversations about dismantling the prison industrial complex, how to incorporate abolitionist thinking into our various careers and families and how we feel about the crumbling american empire. Like... the person you've come to know is not an online persona. My close circle is engaging in these conversations every single day and challenging one another. We regularly disagree with and challenge one another to grow and, as a result, we have cultivated a space that not only enriches each of our lives...but a space that is safe to need growth.

I want you to pay special attention to that last part. Because one of the hardest parts of engaging in progressive spaces online is that there is no space for people to need growth. We can collectively love someone, we can think they are the smartest person on earth, and the moment they don't understand something that we do--even if we just learned it last week--we are calling for them to be deplatformed and ostracized from our community.

Y'all don't find that weird?

I think about this often. And I think about where I and the majority of my community would be if noone had made space for us to grow. Almost every single leftist I know has a story about the intense amount of time and effort it took for them to deconstruct pieces of their upbringing and to learn how to see humanity through a clearer lens.

That is work everyone has to do. And heres the thing… I think it is fine to expect people to do that work. I even think it is fine for there to be consequences when people refuse to do it. But—and this is an important but—I think we need to create space for people to actually do that work if they are willing to. And honestly, I think that starts with us centering community in the way we challenge them to begin with.

And I want to be clear. I am not having this conversation because I feel bad for people who refuse to see the humanity of others. I don't. If they lose community and opportunities because of their bigotry, ooopsie doopsie. You know? But I wonder what future we are creating when even the people fighting for change begin to see other human beings as disposable. When accountability becomes less about demanding better and more about making sure people understand how badly they suck.

I am not criticizing how you feel about dead billionares or the Orca rebellion. And I am not talking about your individual boundaries or capacity, or even how you talk to people who intentionally spew hatred at you. I am talking about our collective unwillingness to invest in the people around us who are failing because they don't know better.

Y'all have gotten used to me defending myself quickly and strongly. And I will continue to. But there is another side to me, one that I have found it harder and harder to practice online. And I don't love that. And that is a side of me that is hesitant to throw people away. And that is precisely because I have found that there are many many people who are more than willing to grow, but are in a position where they feel that personal growth would cost them the only community they have. And while I can look at that and say "be a good person anyway", I think we all know what a terrifying thought being alone truly is. And, i think we need to be honest about the fact that often... they're right. They _are _choosing between growth and community.

(And once again, I am not talking about how you respond to abuse. You do not owe people forgiveness for the ways they have harmed you. I am talking about how we collectively engage with flawed human beings).

Heres an example: there is a very very popular creator on TikTok. A Black woman who many of us have criticized strongly over the last year or two. She has crossed several important boundaries and is currently using her massive platform to promote a very popular series (Harry potter), written by one of the most harmful authors of our time. Yes, you know who I'm talking about. I don't need to name her. We have all come to know her as a problematic creator with a primarily white audience, but the day after the election, she did something that gave a lot of us pause. She openly criticized white americans for betraying her and other Black women by voting for Donald Trump... many of us cocked our heads to the side and asked, "I wonder where this will lead."

And then her audience turned on her. We watched it in real time. White women were all over the internet, commenting on how she had changed and how disapointed they were in her shaming them for a difference in oppinion... what, for her, was a moment of real vulnerability where she was standing up for her identity turned into the very real threat of her losing her entire community.

And two days later, she was back to promoting Harry Potter and placating her audience.

And I am not speaking for her. I did reach out and try to offer her community, but we have not spoken and I don't know her motivations. But here is what I do know... in that moment, I dont see how she would have known whether or not the door would be open for her to change course and still have a community to belong to.

That is what I am writing about.

I am not saying you need to stay in contact with abusive family members. I am not saying it is your job to educate your abusers. I am not telling you that you have to follow problematic creators.

I am wondering out loud if maybe the way we challenge people can include an open door for change.

Maybe, while we are saying, "Grow up," we could also say, "so that we can make space for you."

I am wondering out loud if maybe our end goal could be community instead of just proving that other people's failures make them dangerous.

I am fully on board for not allowing harmful rhetoric and behavior in our communities. I have no interest in having friends who are racist, or homophobic, or mysoginistic, or transphobic. No thanks. I am not going to create space for someone to come into my community and harm the people who feel safe with me. That is not what I am asking you to do. I am only asking that we sit back and consider how we can center community in our demands for change. I am only asking that when we ostracize people for their rhetoric or choices, that there be a way for them to come home. Because truthfully, I don't know that we will ever see substantial growth in people that we have told we will never accept change from.

And I want to be clear, I am not condeming anyone. And I am challenging myself as much as I am anyone else. This is a hard concept to practice in real life. But I just struggle with being in a community of people calling ourselves abolitionists while only employing punitive thinking in the way we hold our neighbors accountable.

If you find it helpful, here is an oversimplified summary of the way I tackle these types of conversations in my everyday life. And the way I have approached many creators on the internet as well:

• _You did something harmful because you believe things that are not true. _
• I want to have community with you, but I struggle to while you believe these things and behave in that way. OR, if I am already in community: Because we are in community, it is important to me that we protect that community.
• I am challenging you to wrestle with those beliefs and to acknowledge the harm you caused, because I truly believe you will be a safer person once you have.
• And if you need help doing that, I'm right here to help. (And when I don't have the capacity to be present, I point them toward resources instead).

Look...I know this is a sensitive subject. Every time a white leftist/liberal gets called out for their racist or homophobic take, they turn around and complain about the left eating its own. And its infuriating. Because yo... just accept that you messed up. Ya know? But also... maybe there is still some room for growth, even if they are full of crap when they say it. We should never stop demanding that people grow and become safer human beings. But I personally think there is room for us to do that without closing doors forever.

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